Ellie Writes to Jesus

You may or may not know about our love for churches. I think it might have started when we saw the National Cathedral, and we've had wondrous adventures searching for colored windows, so when we saw Saint Francis Cathedral at the end of the square in Santa Fe, there was no doubt in our minds that we wanted to go see it. We took our time heading up the square, but every time we came out of a shop and Ellie saw the church ahead of us, she would smile and squeeze my hand. Then she'd have a little happy skip or two.

I have to admit that there is something magical about walking up to a new church. Size doesn't matter, but I don't think it's possible to avoid smiling as you get closer and closer, wondering what treasures will be found on the inside. This Niffer may not be religious but she LOVES herself a good church and I'm so thrilled that my girls are following suit.

I don't have any photos of the inside because we didn't have a camera with us that day (these were taken the next day... more on that soon). Once inside I loved how my girls instinctively knew that there was something special about this place. Without being told, they were whispering with their oohs and awws.

We started with the norm. I would point to stained glass windows and tell my girls what I liked about each one. They would in turn show me the things that they thought were pretty. This is what I love about showing my girls beautiful churches.

What I wasn't prepared for was, in hindsight, the logical next step. This was the first time that Ellie actually paid attention to some of the OTHER artifacts and paintings in the church. And though we've always felt that we want to teach our girls to make their own decisions when it comes to relgions, we were not prepared for having to deal with it at the tender age just shy of 5.

Ellie: (staring at Jesus) Mommy, why is he crying red?
Mommy: (gulp) He's not. That's blood.
Ellie: Why?
Mommy: He has a crown of thorns on and the thorns poked into his head.
Ellie: Why is he bleeding on his tummy?
Mommy: That's where a mean guy stabbed him and made him bleed.
Ellie: Why is he bleeding on his hands and feet?
Mommy: Because they nailed him to a cross.
Ellie: Why?
Mommy: Do you know who that man is?
Ellie: No. Who is he?
Mommy: That man is Jesus. Do you know who Jesus is?
Ellie: Like Baby Jesus at Christmas time?
Mommy: Yep, this is Jesus when he is all grown up. He was one of the nicest people anyone has ever known.
Ellie: But why did he get into trouble?
Mommy: Umm... Well he was trying to show everyone around him how to be nice to each other, but some people didn't understand him and got mad at him. So they put up on a cross.
Ellie: And he died?
Mommy: Yep.
Ellie: They poked holes in his hands and feet because he got into trouble because they didn't like him?
Mommy: Yep.
Ellie: Is that what will happen to me if I get into trouble.
Mommy: Oh, no sweetie. They don't do that anymore. After Jesus died they realized it wasn't very nice of them to do so now people try to be much nicer to each other. They build beautiful churches like this one to remind people that being nice is a good thing. They make beautiful churches with pretty windows because they want Jesus to know that they love him.
Ellie: Jesus likes the pretty windows?
Mommy: I'm sure he does.
Ellie: What's happening in this picture?
Mommy: They're taking Jesus off the cross.
Ellie: Is that his mommy?
Mommy: Yes, and other people who loved him very much.
Ellie: What are they doing?
Mommy: They're putting his body into a grave.
Ellie: And this one? Is he alive again?
Mommy: Well this one shows his mommy and friends coming to check on his body to make sure it's ok, but it wasn't there.
Ellie: Why is he flying?
Mommy: Because he went up to Heaven to be with his Daddy.
Ellie: So he's alive again?
Mommy: Ummm... I don't know. Some people think he is, but others don't.
Ellie: But is he happy again?
Mommy: I hope so.
Ellie: I hope so too. I'm sad for him.
Mommy: I can tell. I'm sure Jesus wouldn't want you to be sad. I'm sure he wants you to remember what these people learned about how important it is to be nice to each other.

I was touched by how much she seemed to be affected by Jesus. She needed some cuddles and I tried to answer all her questions in a manner that a 5 year old would relate to. I didn't know what to say and I might not have said the right things, but it was apparent to me that Ellie cared. And that alone made my heart want to reach out and embrace her. So I did. I held her and gave her hugs and tried to give her the respect and attention that I felt her questions deserved.

I might have been shocked by her sadness and relieved that she cheered up when we went to play in the labrynth outside... but it wasn't until the next morning that she really took me by surprise.

Ellie: Gramma?
Gramma: Yeah?
Ellie: I want to write a letter to that man.
Gramma: What man?
Ellie: The one who they poked in the hands and feet.
Gramma: Do you mean Jesus.
Ellie: Yeah. Can I write a letter to Jesus?
Gramma: Uh... Go ask your mommy.
Ellie: Mommy? Can I write a letter to Jesus?
Mommy: Uh... Really? Why do you want to do that?
Ellie: Because I am sad for him. I want him to be happy.
Mommy: Is this something that is very important to you?
Ellie: Yes. Can I please?
Mommy: I think Jesus would really like that. How about you draw him a pretty picture with all the things that make you happy and I'm sure it would make him happy to see.

OH. MY. GOD. Ellie wants to write to Jesus because she feels so bad for him and wants him to be happy???? Breathe, Mommy. Breathe.

After helping Ellie write the words she wanted to write, here is the result: "To Jesus, love Ellie. I'm sorry. I hope you are happy. From, Ellie. I love you." She drew a picture of her and Jesus and all the things she loves and is proud to be able to draw, including the sun and moon, a puppy, penguin, dragon, unicorn, one big snowball, a couple snowflakes and a bunch of hearts. Personally I think she did a fab job on writing a letter to Jesus.

Mommy: What do you want to do with it now?
Ellie: Give it to Jesus.
Mommy: (duh... of course!) Hmm... I'm not sure how to give it to him.
Ellie: But Mommy, it's very important to me.
Mommy: I have an idea. How about we go back to the church and find someone who works there? He will know how to give it to Jesus. Is that what you want to do?
Ellie: (her whole face lights up, as though she is so thankful that I'm taking this seriously) Yeah! Can we do that? Please!

So back to the church we went. Unfortunately it was now Sunday and thus church services were happening. I did not want to be disrespectful so I was trying to find the balance between giving Ellie what she needed without interrupting the services. I warned her ahead of time that we wouldn't be able to walk around the church like we did before because people would be sitting in a service and we couldn't interrupt. Once inside the lobby, we found a good place to put the picture - on the podium for the guest log book. Ellie seemed to agree that it was a good place for someone "in the know" to find and know what to do with the picture. She, of course, wanted to stay for the entire service, but after a couple of songs, I convinced her it was a good idea to go.

She seemed so relieved to know that Jesus will be sure to get her letter because we left it in the church for his friends to find.

Sigh... Did I say the right thing? One of the things that takes me by surprise as a parent are these conversations that you never expect to happen NOW. I don't know if I used the right words or said the right things. I admit I was not comfortable with it. Daddy even admitted that though he didn't have any suggestions or comments on how to handle it differently, and though he couldn't quite put his finger on WHY, he was not comfortable with the situation, especially when I agreed to go back to the church to deliver Ellie's letter. I'm sure he didn't want to disrespect the cathedral and the real religion, and I hope I didn't do so.

I hope I did the situation justice. I hope Ellie appreciated that I took her request seriously because it meant a lot to her. I hope she knows that I think she's amazing for feeling so bad about what happened to Jesus. She wants him to be happy. Sigh... what a big heart she has! I also hope that I didn't disrespect anyone by leaving a child's drawing in the middle of an official guest log book. My guess is no, but you never know for sure, do you?


Note: The first photo in this post was taken from this website. I wanted a photo that showed a bit of how it looked approaching the church.