Black Fish

I admit that we were a bit torn on the idea of taking the girls to Sea World. There is something about the idea of such a beautiful animal being stuck in a large/small (depending on your viewpoint) swimming pool that breaks my heart. That being said, I have similar (though not quite as strong) feelings about any animal in even a common zoo, so we were able to look past those feelings and let the girls have this experience. I'm glad we did.

Daddy and I watched Black Fish a couple nights ago. We purposefully waited until AFTER our trip to Sea World because we knew we were already on the fence about the whole "orca in captivity" topic in the first place.

Watch it if you want. It's heart-breaking, for sure. There are definitely parts of the video that I agree with and other parts that I'm sure are one-sided and a bit jaded. Make your own opinion, but I think my general conclusion is that "documentaries" are likely to be misleading in order to make their case.

In the end, here is what I hope my children grow up to remember...

1. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES. I think what happened in the 70's and 80's in capturing wild orcas was despicable. But that was then. This is now. I could be wrong, but I don't THINK that stuff happens anymore. What we know now about Orcas is different than what we knew then.

2. MAKE THE MOST OF A BAD SITUATION. Now there are a bunch of not-so-wild orcas in captivity who likely would not survive the wild if they were released anyway (remember Willy?). So, why not make the most of what you have? Creating awareness and inspiration to get involved is HUGE. Zoos do so much for the outlook and respect that children have for wild animals. They participate in conservation in ways we may not appreciate. I'm sure Sea World is the same.

3. THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY COIN. For whatever reason Orcas have always pulled at my heart strings more than any other animal. Honestly? I wouldn't be surprised if that originated with Sea World. On the other hand, there is no denying that what you see in Black Fish is absolutely heart breaking. I have found myself going in circles on my personal level of support but I think it's OK to see both sides of the story and be torn and not feeling like it is a topic that leads to a black or white opinion or conclusion. I fall somewhere in the grey.

4. RESPECT NATURE. Ultimately I think Sea World has its place, but no matter how awe-inspiring animals interacting with their trainers may be, it does not come close to the level of inspiration one obtains when seeing the beautiful animals in their natural setting - free to roam/swim as they were meant to be. Now THAT fills you with awe.

5. CREATE STRONG RELATIONSHIPS. Ok, so this one is more specific to Orcas than about animals in general. Orcas are truly a social animal, and they create bonds with their family members that even we may never understand their strength. We can look at them for inspiration on how we can better appreciate our own family. Cheesy I know, but I think there are cases where we, as humans, can learn from others what is truly and universally important.

Good advice from a song

Say what you want to say,
And let the words fall out.
Honestly I want to see you be brave.*

* Lyrics from the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles

Love Languages

Perhaps you've heard about the concept of Love Languages. My basic understanding is that there are 5 types of love languages:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch
The theory is that we all have a dominant (if not two) love language that we speak, but that it may be a different language than the one that our loved ones speak. Example: Say that a husband's main love language is "Words of Affirmation" and he tells his wife over and over again how much he appreciates her and why. He thinks he's showing her love on a daily basis. Meanwhile, say the wife's love language is "Acts of Service" and she goes out of her way to do things like the dishes or the laundry. Conclusion: Misunderstanding and both people feeling unloved. She is showing him she loves him, but he hasn't heard the words. Meanwhile, he's telling her he loves her but she hasn't seen any action.

To be honest I haven't put much emphasis on the concept of Love Languages within a marriage. My marriage with Michael has always just been EASY and whenever I try to put labels to the way we express our love, I come up short. I can think of a couple examples that fit into various categories, but certainly not one generalization. To be quite honest, whenever I try to apply the concept to my relationship with Michael, I end up going in circles and nearly come to the conclusion that it's all BS. However, I have some friends who feel strongly that this concept has helped their marriages, and I can see the potential in applying the theory.

And maybe it's for that reason that the thought has been on my mind when observing our children. I struggle with coming up with the magic solution to sibling rivalry - finding that balance between treating them like they're different people (because they are) and yet treating them equally (because they are capable of doing anything that the other does). Perhaps the best way to distinguish between siblings is to be certain their Love Languages have been met? So I've been in observation mode for a few months, trying to figure out which language each girl speaks.

To the best of my ability here are my conclusions...

From my understanding, everyone experiences love and expresses love in all 5 languages, so I want to point out that this is true for Ellie too. Sometimes when Ellie is the most upset, it's a good snuggle that seems to help her recover (Physical Touch). If someone else is feeling down or blue, she immediately starts thinking of kind things she can do for the person (Acts of Service). She certainly looks forward to our monthly date weekends as they have become the highlight of our life together as a family (Quality Time). It's tough to pick the top two, when these other examples still exist, but after giving it some serious thought, I believe that Ellie's top two Love Languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Receiving Gifts
Words of Affirmation - Whenever I give her a compliment, tell her I appreciated something that she did or even ask her for her opinion on something important, she beams with pride. She gets this shy smile on her face and it's very apparent that she appreciates what she heard. She often gives people little notes expressing her love for them and has no problem coming up with examples and explanations of why she appreciates those around her.

Receiving Gifts - Even at a young age, she has brought Daddy and me gifts from any means within her reach. Whether it be a rock from the playground or a picture she drew, she has always given gifts abundantly. She still does. She's always giving little letters of appreciation to her friends and to Addie. She's a hoarder too. She keeps EVERYTHING because it's all "very special to me." When a gift I gave her broke, she was nearly inconsolable about it, until I promised that I would replace it.

Like Ellie, Addie experiences and expresses love in all 5 Love Languages as well. She appreciates kind gestures when she's down, and she is always excited to be as helpful as possible (Acts of Service). If she is given a gift, she'll love it and squeeze it and give a little happy dance. If you're lucky, she might even say something along the lines of "It's the best ______ ever!" (Receiving Gifts). If you give Addie a compliment or verbalize appreciation, she'll do her little skippy dance and give a hug in return for the kind words (Words of Affirmation). That being said, I think it was easier to pick the top two for Addie after observing her INITIAL reaction to things. As such, I believe Addie's top two Love Languages are:
1. Quality Time
2. Physical Touch
Quality Time - There is nothing she appreciates more than when I spend a few minutes (or an hour) playing with her in her room. Whether it be a tea party, fairies, animals or even with her stuffies, it doesn't matter. What is very apparent to me is that if she gets this one-on-one play time, she's happy. If she doesn't then her bucket runs dry much quicker. She also appreciates her one-on-one dates with Mommy and Daddy, but does so in a different way than Ellie. She seems to understand that it's not about super cool, super exciting activities. She's just as happy staying home and playing, or even having afternoon tea at a restaurant, as she is having a date at a more exciting location like an amusement park.

Physical Touch - Even at a young age, she has prided herself in the big squeezes she gives. She is never able to leave her school without giving her friends a hug and if she can't do that, then she breaks down in tears. Her initial solution to many tense situations or confrontation is to give a wordless hug. And you know what? Sometimes that's exactly what is needed. Her initial reaction is to SHOW that she's sorry through her touch. EXPRESSING she's sorry with words is almost always secondary.

My hope in doing this exercise is not to put labels on our children, though the further along in parenting I get, the more I feel that's simply impossible to avoid. My hope is that knowing what speaks to their hearts the most will help us avoid typical sibling rivalry issues. I've been very fortunate to have them get along as well as they do, and I believe that we do a pretty good job of making them BOTH feel loved, but this gives me a guideline to how I can start treating them DIFFERENTLY but in a way that is still FAIR.

I would love to hear your thoughts...

If I could keep you little...

"If I Could Keep You Little"
Written and Illustrated by: Marianne Richmond

If I could keep you little,
I'd hum you lullabies.
But then I'd miss you singing
your concert's big surprise.

If I could keep you little,
I'd hold your hand everywhere.
But then I'd miss you knowing,
"I can go... you stay there."

If I could keep you little,
I'd kiss your cuts and scrapes.
But then I'd miss you
learning from your own mistakes.

If I could keep you little,
I'd strap you in real tight.
But then I'd miss you swinging
from your treetop height.

If I could keep you little,
I'd decide on matching clothes.
But then I'd miss you choosing
dots on top and stripes below.

If I could keep you little,
I'd cut your bread into shapes.
But then I'd miss you finding,
"Hey! I like ketchup with my grapes!"

If I could keep you little,
I'd tell you stories every night.
But then I'd miss you reading
the words you've learned by sight.

If I could keep you little,
I'd push you anywhere.
But then I'd miss you feeling
your speed from here to there!

If I could keep you little,
I'd pick for you a friend or two.
But then I'd miss you finding
friends you like who like you too!

If I could keep you little,
we'd finger-paint our art.
But then I'd miss you creating
stories from you heart.

If I could keep you little,
I'd push your ducky float.
But then I'd miss you feeling
the wind behind summer's boat.

If I could keep you little,
we'd nap in our fort midday.
But then I'd miss you sharing
adventures from camp away.

If I could keep you little,
I'd fly you with my feet.
But then I'd miss you seeing
sky and clouds from your seat.

If I could keep you little,
I'd keep you close to me.
But then I'd miss you growing
into who you're meant to be!

Parenthood in a Nutshell

Ellie: Mommy, Addie is getting re-ah bigger now, right? But she's still not big enough like me.
Mommy: Yep. She's growing up slowly but quickly.
Ellie: What?

My bucket

You wouldn't know it but I've actually been in a writing slum recently. My queue of pre-written posts is used up and even though there are quite a few posts I WANT to write, I haven't found the motivation. GASP! Yes, even Niffer sometimes finds it hard to always write about the great things about parenting.

I think recently the most frustrating thing I have to deal with is that both of the girls are Mommy's girls. I mistakenly assumed that since Ellie was a Mommy's girl, Addie would HAVE to be a Daddy's girl by default. Or if Addie was a Mommy's girl then Ellie would have to transition to a Daddy's girl by default.

Nope. As it turns out, they both prefer my attention over anyone else. And sometimes they both demand my attention at the same time. It's exhausting for me to be pulled in two directions at the same time. It's not uncommon for me to be eating my own dinner while feeding Addie hers AND playing dinner games with Ellie to get her to eat. Feeding three people at once is draining.

And it's hard on Michael too. He wants to help but can't really. Most of what Addie is going through right now is a stage. Ellie went through it too (only worse) when she was Addie's age. But with both girls wanting Mommy, Daddy is left wondering when it's his turn. He feels unwanted.

And it sucks to watch the motivation drain from his face. It sucks for me to watch him get hurt when all he wants to do is help and be adored. I know he's adored by his daughters, but it's hard for him to remember that.

So... Niffer has been out of commission for a while now. Hopefully I will be back in the swing of things next week! I have a lot of endearing stories to tell... as always. So, stay tuned!

Why would you put that kind of pressure on a child?

When I first toured Ellie's daycare, I was impressed with what the kids knew before going into kindergarten (letters, a few words, very simple addition, etc). I wrote an email to the Mommy Group in Boulder asking what was normal for kids entering kindergarten.

Fast forward to last week, while having lunch at Old C's with Daddy... Ellie wants to play the games on her children's menu. The conversation went something like this:

Ellie: Let's play dis one now!
Daddy: Ok, let's see. Oh, this one could be tricky.
Ellie: Let's do it now! Can you show me?
Daddy: Ok, it's a word game. The first word is "History" (clue was "students learn dates and events from this subject"). Let's spell HISTORY.
Ellie: Ok.
Daddy: What's first? What letter makes a HHHH sound?
Ellie: Ummm.... H!
Daddy: Good job! What comes next? HHHHH-III?
Ellie: Umm... don't know.
Daddy: I'll draw it. What letter is this?
Ellie: I!!!
Daddy: Yep. What comes next? What letter sounds like SSSS?
Ellie: S!
Daddy: Good. What letter sounds like TTTT?
Ellie: T!
Daddy: What letter sounds like OOOO?
Ellie: O!
Daddy: Last letter. So far we have HISTOR... HISTOR-EEE. What letter makes that sound?
Ellie: E!
Daddy: Very good guess but when that sound comes at the end of a word, it's usually a Y that makes it.
Ellie: Oh.
Daddy: Look! We spelled out HISTORY. H-I-S-T-O-R-Y. HISTORY.
Ellie: OK. What's next?

(Next came MATH... with similar results. Almost always being correct on the first guess. If not, then the second.)

Ellie: What's next?
Daddy: I think you can guess this clue. The clue is "You _______ books." What do you do with books?
Ellie: I don't know.
Daddy: Do you sit on books?
Ellie: No way!
Daddy: Do you eat books?
Ellie: No way!
Daddy: Hmmm... then what do you do with books?
Ellie: READ DEM!!!
Daddy: Good job! Let's spell the word READ. What letter makes the sound RRRR?
Ellie: Umm.... Ummm... R!

(continue with similar results, spelling out READ... A little help from Daddy with the silent A)

Daddy: Ok, the next word is something in your head that makes you think.
Ellie: BLUES CLUES!!!!
Daddy: Nope. It's called your brain.
Ellie: What color is your brain?
Daddy: I think it's grey, but that's a good question. Ok, let's spell the word BRAIN. What letter makes the BBBBB sound?
Ellie: Umm... I don't know.
Daddy: BBBB-Brynn. BBB-Bumble. BBBB-Bat.
Ellie: B!!!

(continue to spell the word BRAIN)

Daddy: Ok, the last word is STUDY. Do you think we can spell it?
Ellie: Yeah!
Daddy: What letter makes the sound SSSS?
Ellie: Snake!
Daddy: Yeah, what letter is that?
Ellie: S!
Daddy: Good. Next is a TTTTT.
Ellie: T!
Daddy: Next is an UUHHH. Like UUUHHH-ncle David.
Ellie: U!
Daddy: DDDDDD.
Ellie: D!
Daddy: EEEEEE.
Ellie: E!
Daddy: Remember, it's the EEEE sound, but it's at the end of a word.
Ellie: Umm... umm... Y!
Daddy: Good job, Ellie! We just spelled out all the words! HISTORY, MATH, READ, BRAIN and STUDY!
Ellie: Mommy! Look what we did! We just spelled all da words! I just did it all by myself but Daddy helped!

To those parents who emailed me nasty letters saying you would never consider sending your child to a daycare that focuses on that style of learning, kids should be allowed to just be kids without worrying about the additional stress of letters and numbers... well all I have to say to you is BAH. In the wise words of Madeleine to the tiger: POO POO.

Parenthood is...

... a constant struggle to NOT respond to the things you do not want repeated (such as being kissed on the butt, nipples, armpits, crotch, eyeball, etc), knowing that if you do squeal and squirm like you want to then it will only encourage repeating said action.

And would someone PLEASE tell me WHAT IS WITH THE LICKING???

Lives Lost

A good friend of mine posted this the other day. It really touched me. I considered writing about it myself but I ended up just sending emails to some of my closest friends instead. I then went on with my Friday, in a bit of a funk but tried to shake it off by spending more attention to my Baby Addie than any other normal day. That night I discovered that the same post put my husband into a funk. And by sharing it with my sister, I managed to put her into a funk too.

After seeing the effect it had on us, I realized that I still needed to write SOMETHING about it.

What is it about a news story that just remains in the news until you discover some link between you and the victim? I didn't know the mother but I had heard the stories. I thought it was horrible but I shoved it out of my mind. I'm definitely someone who needs to think about the good in the world and when something horrible happens, I try to ignore it. If I focus on the beauty then that's all that exists, right?

Anyway, enough analyzing me. That's not what this is about.

I'll never claim to understand mental illnesses. In all honesty they scare me, but nothing scares me more than PPD or PPP. I think the thing that scares me most about it comes from knowing how strongly I love my children. For an illness (be it chemicals or whatever - again, I don't understand) to have such a strong effect on a mother to wipe away that bond... well that's powerful. And not in the good way.

It took me a while to get attached to my own children. It's hard to unconditionally love someone who is as needy as a newborn can be. Sleep deprivation is what got to me. And knowing how much a simple lack of sleep affected me, I can only imagine what it would feel like to actually be diagnosed with PPD.

And then to go one step further and find yourself the victim of PPP... that's scary stuff. That's like black magic. When there is a force strong enough to make a mother, who loves her son dearly, go to such an extreme - well that's not something you want to mess with. That's not something anyone can understand, even if you've found yourself unfortunate enough to say "you've been there." I don't think anyone is capable of understanding, which goes to show how strong the black magic really is.

I guess I'm not sure what to say about it. I did not know this mother even though she lives 20 minutes from me. I am, however, good friends with someone who thinks (and still does) the world of her and that says a lot to me. That speaks volumes. As much as it sends chills through my bones, I have to admit that... well it could have been anyone. It could have been my friend. It could have been me.

To have such a loving person become someone that most people would so easily label a "Monster"... for a mother to have to go through depression alone, even after reaching out for help from her friends, family and doctors... for a mother to do that to her own child... there are simply no words to describe how painfully sad the story is.

I'm not sure what else to say, but I believe I'm needing a hug from my girls.

R.I.P. sweet baby boy. My heart goes out to your family right now.

Ah shucks, thanks!

My friend, Salina, posted the following:

"My friend Niffer has always inspired me to see motherhood from a positive angle. She reminds me with every one of her posts how wonderful and breathtaking it is to experience life through the eyes of my children..."

I'm always so flattered by such unexpected compliments from other wonderful mothers.

Thanks!

Bad credit is hereditary

On the radio the other day, the OPP caller was wondering if she was a bad parent for borrowing $100 from her son to pay for bills. It ended up being another OPP where the topic quickly turned away from the original person and focused on one of the callers. This person called in to say that in order to make ends meet, she has put many of her bills in her children's names. Since the phone and electric companies do not check the age of their costumers, she can do that. Then when she can't pay the bills, they don't go after her. It extends the amount of time she has electricity for another 3 months or so.

She actually said, "I have bad credit and chances are my children will too, so it makes no difference if it starts now."

I'm appalled by the idea that these kids will grow up and already be behind before they can even start. I think it's unbelievably selfish of the mother to do and the idea to use my children's identities like that would never ever occur to me as an option.

Then again, I've been lucky enough to have never found myself quite that desperate. It makes me wonder how low I would go if it was absolutely necessary.

Because I said so

MJH wrote an interesting post defending parents using the term "Because I said so" to their children. I love it when MJH writes his thoughts on parenting. I find that I often gain a new perspective and often get new ideas on how to approach my own children. In all honesty, after reading the post I initially thought things like, "well that makes sense" or "I never thought of it like that before, but sure." However, as I thought about it more and more, I disagree with him more and more. Sorry, MJH. =)

Let me start off with saying that neither my husband nor I remember our parents using the term "Because I said so." I asked my sister, though, and she does. She said that our mom used to say that a lot, followed by "if I'm wrong I'll pay for counseling" when she was a teenager. My sister was more... let's say "rebellious" than I was. I only point that out because I feel like this is not a "I'm not going to be like my parents" reaction on my part.

I'm not going to approach the God-side of MJH's post. I don't want to open that can of worms (smile), but I did want to comment on my thoughts on the topic in general, because I do think it's an interesting one to discuss.

MJH essentially says that he uses "Because I said so" in situations where he feels like his children can not possibly understand the reasons or consequences for something. I agree with him that a young child (I'll obviously use my almost three year old daughter as my reference point) can not understand *ALL* the consequences of something like making Mommy or Daddy late for work. However, that does not mean they're incapable of understanding that their is a consequence for them not getting ready quickly.

If we were to bluntly end any discussion with Ellie with "Get your shoes on right now because I said so" then I'm sure we'd have a much more frustrated Ellie. Instead, we try to explain the consequences in a way that is relevant to her. "If you don't put your shoes on quickly then Mommy's not going to have time to read you books" or even "You're taking too long to get ready. It's taking away Mommy's energy, which means she won't be able to play blocks with you later." Those are consequences that she understands. Granted this requires a little more planning on our part. We have to get ready in time to allow us to read her one book at school before leaving. I think that's fair. She does something nice for us (which results in our lives being more enjoyable) which makes us want to do something nice for her (which results in her life being more enjoyable).

She may not understand all the consequences of making us late for work. She may not understand the effect that has on family vacations or the amount of time that Mommy has to stay at work. But she does understand that if she takes a long time getting ready then Mommy does not have the time or the energy to read her a book, or play games when she gets home.

There is definitely something to the stalling thing that MJH mentioned. Ellie constantly comes up with ways to stall, but we just try to come up with consistent consequences for that. Fewer books or no books. No energy to play Ellie's favorite game. Mommy doesn't have the energy to do bedtime so Daddy needs to instead. Things of that nature, but they're all consequences that Ellie understands because it effects those things she holds most dear. We know this works because there are days when Ellie wakes up and exclaims, "Hurry! Hurry! We want to read books, right Mommy?" Right.

MJH said that him not explaining himself to his children is similar to other relationships. One being his relationship with God (I've already said I'm not going to touch that one right now), but the other example he gave was with his boss at work. I disagree with his simplification of his relationships. His boss most likely never tells him "Do this because I said so," even if he may not understand all the reasons or consequences that his boss is aware of. Instead, his boss most likely simplifies the situation in terms that MJH can understand. Something more like "You need to do this in order for us to meet our goal. If you fail then the project will run out of money or time." Similarly, even though MJH does not bombard his boss with all the details of something that he understands better, it's doubtful he'd ever say "Sir, I'm doing it this way because I said so." Instead, he'll say something like "I need to take the time write the program like this because will be more user-friendly." That's something his boss would understand even if he does not know the details of the software MJH is responsible for.

Our relationships with our children are similar. I agree that they can not understand the big picture. They shouldn't have to. They're too busy being the little kids that they are. However, I feel like closing the topic with a "because I said so" sells the children short on what they *CAN* understand. I think that the assumption that a parent is all-knowing relative to the children is a faulty assumption. It never fails to amaze me how much Ellie really does understand. If I based all my conversations with her on what I assume a three year old understands, I would never be amazed. Not to mention, Ellie would probably be less enlightened and more annoyed.

I think the challenge as a parent, is not to simply not explain things but to put them in a context such that they can be understood. It's simply just too easy to sell your kids short on how much they're capable of understanding. It is our job as parents to put in every effort to explain things to our kids so that they can better understand, and thus interact with, the world around them.

As for the God side of the argument, I feel like comparing the relationship that God has with his people to the relationship between parents and children is unfair. God may very well know with absolute certainty what any individual can and can't understand, but we do not know anything with absolute certainty about what our kids can or cannot understand. Sorry. I tried to stay away from that, but I couldn't help it.

Lessons

A friend of mine recently experienced what ended up being a cute story about her incredibly out-going little girl. I'm sure she'd be interested to hear what your thoughts are on the situation. MJH I'm speaking to you, in particular, since you crossed my mind the moment I read her story. It just strikes me as a situation you'd have good input on. I would have emailed you to look, but it occurred to me that we still aren't even Facebook friends. LOL.

Melissa, you recently posted on a similar topic that also made me laugh. Maybe Sqpeggy should read your post too.

Sacrificing during pregnancy

On the radio station's "other people's problems" the other day, a woman wrote to ask how she should handle her husband wanting to be more intimate with her than she wanted. She was also pregnant.

Multiple (I repeat, MULTIPLE) guys called in saying that they had an agreement with their wives that they could have an open relationship (sleep with other women) during their wive's pregnancies. One guy even said that they hired a lawyer and wrote up a whole legal agreement where he promised not to fall in love and if she ever got suspicious about him cheating AFTER the pregnancy was over, then she would get 90% of his worth.

I think that's crazy! Many other callers called in to say that a woman sacrifices so much during a pregnancy and it's so difficult. The DJ would respond with "but it was your choice to get pregnant. You CHOSE to make those sacrifices."

Isn't the decision to have children one that is chosen by BOTH husband and wife? Isn't a pregnancy something where BOTH husband and wife need to make some sacrifices? She sacrifices her comfort to carry a baby for 9 months. Is it really that much to ask him to sacrifice his "comfort" too?

I'm not sure what responses I expect to hear back, but I was surprised enough by the topic that I figured it was worth writing about. It never ceases to amaze me how people view life's situations and solutions with such variety.

Gotta Love Colorado!

Photo taken by Paul Richman

I recently befriended a guy who has gotten into photography as his retirement plan (what a fantastic idea). I wanted to share the photo above because it's simply perfect. I don't think it would be possible to ask for anything more from a photo. The flatirons in the background, the fall leaves on the trees, the geese in the sky, the balloons in formation and all that included in the reflection in the water - Perfect!

This was taken just a couple miles from where I live. Up until a couple years ago I was certain that I wanted to raise my children in the mountains somewhere west of Denver (or Boulder). I grew up in the mountains and loved it and always thought I would return to do the same for my children. That was until I had a job for a few months that required me to have a 45 minute (or more) commute. It was the commute that shattered my perfect vision of living in the mountains.

That dang commute! It didn't take long for me to realize that I wanted more out of life than all that. I wanted more out of life than living in a house with a long driveway, hidden in the trees, with a stream going through the property, with possibly a view of some snow-capped peak, surrounded by buggling elk in the fall and wild flowers in the spring. I wanted more. I wanted more time with my children.

The problem with a long commute is that it takes away valuable time with my children. Maybe when they're older, but right now I can't imagine spending two hours a day in the car when that time could be spent with them.* They go to bed so early that I only have a couple hours a day to cherish them. I'm not willing to give that up.

That being said... I only recently started to appreciate how incredibly beautiful it is when you live further from the mountains. Being able to see the mountain range in the distance is much prettier than I ever gave credit to in the past. It's different than being IN the mountains, isn't it?

And take this picture... That's where I live! I ended up living in a beautiful place, didn't I?


* OK, you caught me. I live a 5 minute walk from work but have a 45 minute commute because we transferred to a daycare in Longmont. It's freakin' $800/mo cheaper than the one down the street! Besides, it doesn't really count when I have the kids with me half that time - the conversations I can have with Ellie in the backseat make me smile enough that somehow I don't mind the commute.

NOT OK (continued)

Thanks to both Salina and MJH for posting responses to my post a few days ago. I wanted to respond to both of them and "adjust" what I said last time.

First, mostly in response to Salina - I do think that disciplining other people's children is such a tough subject. Like you, I'd like to think that if I didn't witness my child doing something, I would have no problem with a parent attempting to discipline her. But, that being said, you hit it on the nail when you admitted that you were more fearful of what you were doing when you actually had to physically *touch* the boy you were talking to. I say that I would have no problem with a parent who witnessed something happen disciplining my child, but that's making one big assumption: that their form of disciplining closely matches mine. If a parent were to spank my child or even aggressively pull her over to force an apology out of her, I would be pissed.

Likewise, with MJH's example, if that parent didn't actually witness anything herself either, I'd be pissed. I'd be curious to know how MJH feels about other parents attempting to discipline his son #2. Is it a relief for him? MJH, you mentioned that your son has to experience things himself and tends to not believe it when you tell him something. Does that mean he'd believe it more if it came out of the mouth of another child's parent? Would that upset you?

Now, in response to MJH's post, I agree that it was wrong of me to assume that the boy's foul language came from his parents. It could have just as easily come from older children, school or even TV. I guess there are aspects of my family's history that make it easy for me to automatically assume something is wrong domestically.

I feel like if I were the mother in your example, I never would have suggested how you handled your son. I think that you, as your son's parent, should know what happened (though I realize in your specific example, she didn't know either), but beyond that I don't think it's any of my business. From my perspective, I feel like it is my place to make sure that my children see that I can and will stand up for them (if needed) - beyond that it's totally up to you how you deal with the information of what your son did.

I definitely liked how you didn't get mad at your son right away. I liked how you told the mother that you'd talk to him. I like that you wanted to get his perspective on what happened because that just seems to show your son that you respect him. On the other hand, I also like that you don't automatically assume that your son is telling the truth. I'm sure many parents fall into that trap. Having your older son earn your trust and then standing up for #2 seemed like a nice fit.

In the end, I think that *if* the boy's parents had gotten mad at Salina for how she reacted, then she had every right to say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you did not see what happened." And I think that the mother in MJH's example went overboard by telling him how he should discipline his child. Forget the fact that she fell into the trap I mentioned before, of automatically assuming her child was innocent, and then to not do anything herself to try to keep her daughter away from your son... I think that even if I was convinced that my daughter did nothing wrong, I would try to make sure she stayed away from the "boy who hit her."

So... when situations like this arise, do we kindly discipline the child or do we tell the parents about the situation from our perspective and leave it up to them?

A thank you - regarding Santa

Thanks Salina, Spleeness and MJH for responding to my Santa post a couple days ago. The combination of your responses made me feel much better about the whole topic.

Salina - I liked your perspective about how it's really not much different than teaching our kids to use their imagination, and I liked the reminder that St. Nick was a real person.

Spleeness - I liked your reminder that every family is different and that there are lots of people who grow up believing in Santa but still have strong relationships with their parents. Ok, you didn't say all that, but that's the message I got. lol.

MJH - I liked your down-to-earth rationalization of it. You tell your kids Santa **IS** real because he is. You're Santa. I like that. I'm real enough to eat the cookies that the kids leave for me on Christmas Eve.

Next year, dangit! We're making cookies!

NOT OK!

I know that the last couple of weeks have been filled with posts that haven't exactly been the type that brings a smile to your face or makes you laugh, but I promise this is the last one of those for a while...

I'm definitely one of those people who thinks of witty comebacks or fantastic solutions minutes, if not days, after I need them. Recently I've had two experiences that left me speechless and not knowing what to do, but ask me about them now and here is how I would have responded:

Experience 1:
We're shopping in a store, taking advantage of the after holidays sale. Ellie is with us and even insists that she gets naked in the dressing room just like Mommy. When not in the dressing room, Ellie is playing with Daddy running back and forth in different parts of the store, but over all being very well behaved considering her age. Twice, I repeat TWICE, one of the store clerks jumped out from behind a rack of clothes and picks Ellie up in a attempt to play along. Let me repeat that - A COMPLETE STRANGER JUMPS OUT AND PICKS ELLIE UP!!!

My response:
I realize that the store clerk was just "playing" but seriously - it is NOT OK to ever just grab and pick up a toddler unless you want her parent to bash you for thinking you're carrying her away. However, she was just playing along, so instead of doing anything about it, let's turn it into a lesson for Ellie. Immediately after the lady picked Ellie up the first time, we should tell Ellie that if a stranger ever picks her up again that she needs to yell her best and loudest yell. The louder the better. Mommy and Daddy do not ever want a stranger to pick her up.

Experience 2:
We're at our favorite chicken place playing on the playground. Ellie is up in amongst the tubes and is just sitting at the top of the slide. Gramma playfully asks the other little boy in the room if he would go check on her. The boy sticks his head inside the jungle gym and yells "Hey, stupid b!+c#, where are you?!" Shocked, we asked him "What did you just say?" and he repeats louder "Supid b!+c#, where are you!?"

My response:
Kids will be kids and you can not control someone else's child. Seriously, it's amazing the broad range of politeness that toddlers have, isn't it? However, it is completely inappropriate for this child to call my daughter a stupid b!+c# and his parents should know about it. I will walk up to his father and mother (poor lady because you know where the boy learned such language) and say something like "Your son just called my daughter a Stupid b!+c#. I don't care how you handle the situation but I just thought you should know."

Sigh. Next time - darn it! I'll try to think of how to properly handle situations that upset me quickly enough that I can actually apply my response.

To Santa or not to Santa

I'll be honest, this Christmas was a little difficult on us, though probably not in the way that most people would think. What was difficult for us is the concept of Santa.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to deprive Ellie (or Addie) of the opportunity to believe in magic. The world is a magical place, but it's only as magical as we allow it to be. Shouldn't little children spend their childhood believing in things like fairies, princesses, magic frogs that turn into princes... and Santa? I want my children to believe in magic because it exists only as long as you believe it does.

On the other hand, we definitely want to have an open and honest relationship with Ellie (and Addie). It just feels wrong to lie to her, no matter how big or small the lie is. We want her to believe us and everything we say. We want her to trust us. It's as simple as that. Isn't telling her that Santa exists a big fat lie? Is that fair of us to do?

The compromise that Michael and I came to was to keep Santa but to try to minimize the additional stories we tell. For example, we can say that Santa comes and brings toys to good little boys and girls, and we can even provide him a means of entering the house (for us, a magical key because we don't have a chimney), but it stops there. We're leaving the elaborate stories of how we need to leave cookies for Santa, and oh look! Santa ate all the cookies! And what about the carrots for Rodolph? Well, if she wants to leave such things, then so be it, but we will try not to suggest it ourselves.

On the other hand, we're also not going to tell the other families what to say. If Gramma wants to make up stories about how Santa leaves notes thanking us for cookies, or if Nana wants to make up stories explaining why he comes to her house AND our house, then that's fine. It seems to me that it's up to them what words and stories they want to tell the grandchildren.

Is that a strange compromise? It's like we're still allowing the magical lie to continue, but we're hoping for it to not come directly from us? Do other parents struggle with this same issue? I'm curious to know how you guys feel about it and how you rationalize Santa.
P.S. Yes, in the top picture Ellie is indeed wearing her swimsuit under her dress. And yes, that dress is a Hawaiian dress Nana got her a while ago. But, hey! At least the complete outfit looks a little Christmassy!

I needed a little laugh today

Taken from xkcd