For the last month or so Ellie's tooth has been loose (she finally did lose it last Tuesday). As I guess would be expected, this put the topic of the Tooth Fairy and other magical character on her mind. In the car one day, completely out of the blue, she asked "Is Santa Claus real?"
Mommy and Daddy were NOT prepared for this question. We had actually been debating the Santa topic ourselves but we assumed we had a while to decide what to do. Apparently not! And since she took us by surprise at a point where we didn't have a game plan, Mommy and Daddy were silent for a while, not really knowing how to respond. Finally I asked her "What do you think?" which led to her explaining her own rationale without Mommy or Daddy ever actually answering the question.
And we felt guilty for it for weeks afterwards.
Much to my surprise the Tooth Fairy and Santa debate was (and still is) the most challenging debate Michael and I have faced when it comes to parenting so far. Do we keep the magic (in the traditional sense of the word) of Santa alive? Or do we come clean with the truth? If you think hard about it, about the little details and consequences of either decision, you might start to appreciate how difficult it is for Michael and me.
Without going into every single argument on both sides of the fence, I thought it would probably be a good idea to "document" where I'm coming from. Perhaps when my girls are in counseling for how their parents messed them up, it might be useful...
I love Christmas. No, I don't think you understand. I LOVE Christmas. It doesn't bother me in the slightest that stores already have Christmas items out and it's only September. I love looking at the stuff and imagining the magic that is in store for this upcoming Christmas season.
Part of this is the magic of Santa. I'll be honest. Until recently I had no qualms with the jolly old man in the red suit. Believing in Santa Claus and his magical ability to come down the chimney (even when you don't have a fireplace, mind you) to deliver his presents is all a part of childhood, right?
But when I fantasize about the magic that is in store for any Christmas season, Santa is usually towards the bottom of the list of things that come to mind. I think of the Christmas lights. I think of carolers, even though I've never actually seen any. I think of walking down lanes filled with snow. Snow angels. Glistening snow diamonds. Seeing your breath cloud up the air. The feeling of your fingers melting and thawing after you go inside for a nice hot cup of cocoa. The warm fuzzy PJs. The decorations. The tree. The ornaments. The meals with family. The gift giving. And receiving. Christmas songs don't bother me even if they're played ALL MONTH LONG. Bells. Ribbons. Elves. Old style houses decorated with old style decor like candles in the windows and a simple wreath on the door. Freshly fallen snow on the tree branches with bright blue skies above. Footprints through the snow, whether they're from animals or little kids. Building snowmen if and when there is enough snow. Watching the snow fall from a warm and cozy window.
I could go on and on. My Christmas season is full of magic, with or without Santa Claus.
So what's the issue? Recently (and yes, for me, it's only been recently. For Michael, he has struggled with this debate for a while) I simply can't get over the fact that even if Santa Claus is magical and is a part of most children's lives, and children grow up too fast as it is... even knowing and agreeing with so many of the arguments I've been told... I can't get over the fact that it's a lie.
By telling our children that Santa Claus is real, we are lying to them. We are teaching them that it's ok to lie, just as long as you have a good reason to do so. Perhaps that's the reality of it. Maybe that's a realistic lesson to learn. After all, it's not like anyone is FULLY honest with someone else if they're put in an uncomfortable position and don't want to hurt that person's feelings. But no matter how parents may justify it as being a GOOD lie, it's still a lie.
And I don't want to lie to my children. I want to model the relationship I expect from them. How can I expect them to be truthful with me if I can play the parent card and lie to them? Oh, but it's magical. That's what makes this lie ok.
Is there a conclusion to this? Well, we were forced to make a decision the night that Ellie lost her first tooth. After all, Tooth Fairy is another example, right? Why start the Tooth Fairy thing if we don't have to? But yet did we want to take that away from her?
Oh she was so excited. A whole new level of excitement and pride that we haven't ever seen in her before. So, here's what we ended up doing....
Before going to bed I asked Ellie what she was going to do with her tooth....
Ellie: I think I'm going to put it under my pillow for the Tooth Fairy to find.
Mommy: Oh?
Ellie: Yeah. The Tooth Fairy is the only real fairy.
Mommy: Why do you think she's real?
Ellie: I think she's real because I want to believe she is.
Mommy: That seems reasonable.
Ellie: I'm so excited!
That night I put a pair of earrings under her pillow with a note that said "Wow! Your first tooth! You must be so proud of yourself. You mommy and daddy are very proud of you for being so brave." She of course assumed it was from the Tooth Fairy, but I didn't correct her. I also paid close attention to be sure I didn't ever say she was right.
I'm still torn on the subject, and probably always will be. Our current plan is to not come out and tell her about Santa BUT if she ever flat out asks us again, we will answer. And we will answer in a way that reminds her that Christmas is full of magic even if Santa isn't someone who comes down the chimney we don't have. We will tell her about how St. Nickolas lived a long time ago and loved to give presents to people to make them smile, even if they were secret. It's a tradition that everyone loves to keep up by playing the "Santa" game. Santa is someone who loves her so much and is so proud of her that they don't need her to know who the present is from. They just want her to be happy.
Now, how is that anything but a magical Christmas? One that emphasises what Christmas should really be about? I'm sure that no matter what, we're going to mess up from time to time as parents. I hope that if they ever read this post when they're older, they will be able to understand where Mommy and Daddy were coming from.
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