Today is a very difficult day for me. I'm not sure what it is about the big F.I.V.E that makes me want to put my arms around my daughter and never let go, hoping that somehow it would mean she would't keep growing at the pace that she is. And yes, I've told her so. Sometimes when I leave her at school I can't find the strength to let her go and I ask her if it would be ok for us to hug forever. She of course agrees with a big "I'd like to see you try" smile on her face. I continue to hug her for a while and then jokingly stand up with her still in my arms and try to walk out the door. Without fail we end up in agreement that the day would only get more and more akward if we were to continue hugging each other forever.
But that doesn't mean that I don't wish that I could.
My little Ellie is 5 years old now. My guess is that only parents of children who have already turned 5 can fully appreciate the weight that sentence has. FIVE YEARS OLD. Five years ago I held my daughter for the first time, so exhausted from labor and so emotional that I could do nothing but cry and cry. Five years ago magic was introduced to my life (a nice follow-up to the love that was introduced to my life just a few years earlier).
I think that 4-years old was a difficult year for Ellie. She struggled a lot with maturing and making sense of the rules that should be included in the "Ellie's Way of Life" book. She struggled with falling distant from her best friend, only to come close again in the end. She struggled with finding the balance on being a team leader and a commander. She struggled with understanding that there is a difference between how she sees the world around her and how someone else does. She struggled with trying to teach Addie lessons that she was far too young to understand, yet Ellie was required to live by. Heck, she even struggled to understand those moments when Mommy and Daddy failed to live by the same rules we expect from her. Those times are rare, but I know for a fact she caught me slipping more than once.
I think Ellie struggled a lot this last year. I think the amount of frustrating confrontations was my number one indicator. That being said, I am not using the word "struggle" as a bad thing. Look at the growth she has had in just one simple year! No wonder she has had her moments - her whole world is still being defined, but more importantly... she's defining herself. That's not an easy journey, no matter what your age is.
But look at the results! Recently I've noticed that things have gotten much easier with Ellie. She's more joyful and loves to snuggle with me like never before. She appreciates the magic that a quiet "Mommy" moment can have. It seems that I am often just what she needs when she's having a bad day, and I know that's the case in reverse. After a long day at work, her big smiles, hugs and special pictures are all I need to wash away the negative. We seem to understand each other.
As soon as she sees someone in need of some comfort or support, she quickly jumps up to the plate to offer a hug or kind encouraging words. This is especially true for her little sister.
One of Ellie's strengths is the ability to come up with solutions to problems. If two friends are fighting over something, her teachers say she's often the one who comes up with alternatives or compromises that her friends agree to. She has also taken great strides in resolving conflict for herself. If Addie does something she doesn't like, instead of running to tell Mommy and Daddy, Ellie uses her words and explains calmly (there's a range of calmness) why she's upset and what Addie did wrong. Surprisingly Addie often listens and apologises (the alternative is to continue doing what Ellie is annoyed by, but we're not talking about Addie being 2... we're talking about Ellie being 5).
Ellie is so proud of herself. She knows that if she keeps practicing, she'll get really good at something. This is quite apparent in her drawings when she learned how to draw penguins and puppies. She also talks about practicing hard for swimming and was so good at her last class that they decided to move her up to be a Seal instead of a Turtle! She has been practicing her reading too and can read a few books on her own, and her writing skills are incredible. I'm such a proud Mommy, not necessarily because she's so smart (though I know that to be true) but because she works so hard to do better and better.
This morning when I woke Ellie up, I told her Happy Birthday. I told her that I couldn't believe she was so big and that it has been 5 full years since she came out of my tummy crying. She asked me why she was crying. I told her that she was a little scared because inside Mommy's tummy it was dark and warm and outside was bright and cold. I told her that she cried and cried because she was so hungry but as soon as she touched me when I tried to feed her, she would go to sleep. Ellie laughed about that story and asked me to tell her again and again.
I love how something that was so frustrating at the time has turned into a beloved story that brings a smile to Ellie's face.
We had a serious moment when I told her that it's hard for me to see her be so big, but I told her that I was so proud of her too. Her face beamed and she gave me a hug. Then she looked thoughtful and asked "Can I hold all my Bun Buns today?" How is it that she can go for so long without thinking about Bun Bun yet she knows that her cherished bunny should be present for special important days like this?
Today is a celebration. I see it as a reminder that with great challenges comes great rewards. Ellie was certainly a challenge for us when she first came, but the rewards? OH MY! I wish I had words to describe it... but know this, Ellie - even if the words aren't there, the feelings are. I love you dear kind soul.
