A good friend of mine has seemed to stop talking to me. I can't be certain because she hasn't told me so, but I am beginning to get suspicious. I'd like to consider us good friends. After all, we were in each other's wedding! However, I do have to admit that with me living in MD for the last 7.5 years, we haven't kept in touch quite as much as I would like.
But we did keep in touch! And when I got pregnant, it seemed like we were emailing each other even more often. She had her first son almost a year before Ellie was born, so I turned to her with a lot of questions.
So, what has happened? I'm not sure. One of the last emails I remember writing to her was in response to her telling me that she thought I should find out what gender the baby was because she admitted to having a hard time with the idea of her baby being a boy. When I came into town and had lunch with her, I noticed that things seemed a bit uncomfortable and I couldn't figure out why.
The final email I got from her was telling me about how her mom had a stroke (is almost fully recovered now) and thus she was glad that her mom took care of her son during the day (more time together). I never responded to that email. I feel horrible about it now, but I was too wrapped up in how things were going in my life.
I've been back in CO for almost 6 months now and I've seen my friend once (I stopped by, unannounced). She had her second child (another boy) almost a year after Ellie (two years after her first). She told me that it was a lot harder than she expected it to be, and I want to be understanding about that, but with every phone message I leave I get more suspicious.
I've probably left her a dozen phone messages in the last 5 months, offering to meet up with her during lunch sometime to catch up. I've even mentioned working around her schedule, but she has never called me back.
I wonder what happened. Is it totally paranoid of me to think I missed something that happened between us? Was she upset that I ended up having a girl and yet she has two boys? I know she isn't really - that's one of those things that you end up loving what you have more than you ever thought you could. But, did her admitting to wishing for a girl and then me ending up with a girl put tension on our friendship?
What about me not asking about her mom (which I did when I stopped by unannounced, and was relieved to hear she's doing well)? I could see that it would be hurtful to my friend that I seemed to show no concern?
Or am I just being silly? Maybe she really is just too busy and tired with her two kids. Maybe I'm over-reacting.
But it has been 6 months and a dozen phone messages...
4 comments:
The first thing I wondered is if it was the boy-girl thing. She wanted a girl but you got one.
I know two people who wanted girls, one tried 5 times and has 5 boys, one tried 4 times and has 3 boys, 1 girl. People can be very individual about their preferences. It could be that she's disappointed and doesn't know how to voice it. She doesn't want to sound jealous and ungrateful for what she has, but is pained by it?
Or it could be that she's going through a hard time, maybe in her marriage, maybe with raising kids, maybe her kids have special needs that she's struggling with, or maybe just in life in general?
Or she could be just overwhelmed. I have a tendency to fall off the face of the earth when I'm going through a rough time. Not out of maliciousness to anyone else but just because I'm so drained and so overwhelmed that I just shut down. I don't understand this about myself because you'd think when I need support I'd reach out but I don't always. I am getting better at it though.
It could be that she's hurt about going through the rough time with her mom. Maybe she's going through a tough time now and worried about leaning on you, that maybe you won't be there. You stopping by was nice though, I would think that would make up for it, unless it was too long after her crisis passed, or if she doesn't like stop-in visits.
Maybe you can write her a note that says, "hey, I have been thinking of you lately. I know things must be really busy and I wonder if I can help in some way - we can make dinner together or go foodshopping one night. It would be great to see you and touch base, I have always appreciated our friendship and think of you often. Let me know if you have this Thursday or next free for a foodshopping date!" (pick a couple of days not too far away so it's more concrete or call her with a question for advice for, I dunno -- a recipe or something short and not overwhelming.)
Or maybe you can write something like the above but with a twist: "I don't want to badger you too much but was there anything I said or did that might have accidently hurt your feelings? I don't know if you're putting some distance between us on purpose or if things are just really hectic. Either way I am thinking of you and would love to touch base."
This is a long-winded comment! But I enjoyed your post and you opening up.
Something similar happened with a girlfriend of mine a few years ago. Totally different story though. She WAS hurt at something I did, which I had no clue at the time.
I found out from someone else what it was (I'd never gotten her a proper wedding present because at the time I was broke and spent so much to be in her wedding that I didn't have much leftover for a good present). It's very callous, I realize now, and am ashamed, but at the time I just did not have the money and no credit cards (was just out of high school) so could not borrow.
Our friendship dwindled and I just thought she was busy. Then I found out she was hurt years later.
When I found out, I sent her a card with a gift and wrote something like "When you were married so long ago, I didn't have the means to get you a proper present. I always felt bad about that. I know all this time has passed but I finally have a good job now and wanted to celebrate. I know this isn't anywhere near what I should have done but I wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you and hope you accept this as a token of my appreciation."
She called me after that, very touched, and it did help renew our friendship. I was so glad! But funny how she never voiced to me that she was hurt. I wish people would talk more openly about things.
Wow! That was a long, but very good suggestion. Thanks for sharing. I plan to call my friend soon again.
Wow. I'm sorry, Jen. I hope things get figured out soon and your friendship is all the better for it.
Jen
Thanks! I am still hoping that it's all my imagination and that she's just super stressed. Wait, that didn't come out right. I'm hoping she isn't too stressed, but that there is a logical reason for her silence. I tried calling again last night but didn't leave a message. I think I'll leave a message today actually mentioning my concern.
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