Someone recently asked me when we will start taking Ellie to church. Not being much of a church-goer, I said we didn't have such plans. She then responded with "How is she going to believe in anything then? She needs to believe in something."
I'm curious... many of my readers are religious and attend church regularly. Others are not. What do you guys think?
Do I have to send my children to church in order for them to believe in something? Is it even fair for me to pretend to be a church-goer when I really am not? What if I want them to be open to other religions? This person obviously was thinking of a Christian church, but would she be ok if I told her that we've decided to sign Ellie up for a Jewish school?
If I want my children to grow up and make their own decision on which religion they want to believe, what's the best way to do that?
In my ideal world, I envision picnics and hikes where my daughters and I sit and ponder how wonderful God must be to have made such a beautiful and complicated world. Is that not enough?
Is it not enough that Ellie and I sing "I see the moon and the moon sees me... God bless the moon and God bless me and God bless the one I want to see. God looked down from up above and he picked you out for me to love...?"
What do you think? If you're a more religious person than I, I'd like to know how you feel - if your goal was for your children to make their own decisions on religion, would you feel that church was required? If you're not a religious person, but have the same goal, what's your approach?
7 comments:
I haven't talked to my little guy much about God yet since he's so young (1.5 years), and I don't want him raised in the Catholic Church (where my husband was) for personal/political reasons, but I would like him to have a relationship with God and be spiritual.
I was taken to church on occasion when I was a kid, but it was usually on Christmas when there was a cool service with a play about Jesus and we got to light candles. So when I was little, I thought of God as a more-powerful Santa.
But as I got older, my mother would talk to me about God and how He was everywhere (trees, the clouds, in music especially) and that's where I'm at now. Not a bad place to be in my opinion. :) And I'm hoping to raise my little guy in a similar way.
I think if you want your children to make their own decision about God then taking them to one specific church or religion would be the opposite of what you want them to do. How can they make up their own mind if they are only taught one thing?
Also what do you want them to learn? My parents never shared their beliefs and never went to church, but around age 10 they started sending us to a Christian church. It was confusing to me since I just saw it as a social thing and didn't really get the whole Jesus/God thing. I think it's because the most powerful influence in my life was my parents and church going wasn't the example they were setting for me.
Chris and I are Atheists and don't have plans to teach our children to be Atheists. We don't think it's our job to teach our children how to believe a specific thing, but rather to expose them to many things and teach them how to make informed decisions. We have many conversations about religion (all different types), God and spirituality with each other. I think as they get older and we expect them to participate in these family conversations then this how they will get exposed to different viewpoints and be able to make their own decisions about their beliefs.
I have considered going to a UU church since people of many faiths attend these churches, but it is still very God-centric so I'm not sure as an Atheist I would feel comfortable going there.
My two sons are 31 and 33 yrs old, and we never took them to church. However, we raised them to be tolerant, respectful and loving. We didn't object when Grandma took them to Catholic church, or when a neighbor invited them to a Baptist church. We just tried to answer their questions honestly and to lead by example. We have traveled extensively and they have friends who are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Taoist, Atheist etc. My sons were taught to see the best in everyone and I am proud of the loving, respectful, and open-minded men that they are.
I think that research has demonstrated that children tend to believe what their parents believe. This is, of course, just a tendency. Some children reject their parents beliefs in favor of something else. I, for example, was raised Catholic. But now I would be more accurately described as an evangelical born-again Christian.
I don't think that it's required for you to take your Children somewhere in order for them to believe in something, because your children are likely to believe what you believe.
But I would encourage you to go looking for a church anyway. The reason is that church is about more than just what you believe. There are two additional components that are part of church that I think are beneficial, and I suspect you would think so, too.
First, church is about community. It's about doing life with a group of people outside of your family and outside of work. It’s about living with and choosing to love a community, good and bad. There are several churches in my area that believe the same things I believe. But I attend only one because I've developed relationships with people in that church. And those simply don't transfer well to another church, even if that church believes exactly the same thing. This is, of course, a two edged sword. The larger the group of people, the higher the chance that you’re going to bump into someone who just irks you or makes life difficult. But that’s part of the opportunities that community provides: learning how to live, work and love that person anyway. And I think church has a real leg up on this over other communities. Because at a good church, people work hard not to focus on themselves. I’m hard pressed to think of another community that puts such an emphasis on focusing on others except church.
Second, because good churches focus outside themselves, they tend to apply that focus to things that are much bigger than could be accomplished by the individuals alone. Our church works on things corporately that are much bigger than we could take on as a family. For example: the members of our church made a commitment to financially support a village in Africa. We've also dedicated ourselves to serving communities in Jamaica and Eastern Europe. And we've committed to building and staffing a safe house in the Philippines to provide a way for young girls and boys to escape prostitution. These are very big commitments that would be very hard to accomplish alone. But in a church, we can do it.
Of course, church is also about beliefs. I think you should look for a church that
a) accepts you as you are, and
b) challenges you to grow spiritually - which may mean it challenges you to change some beliefs you have
Now, of course, as a Christian, I think you'd be best served, and serve best, in a Christian church. But I do think you need to find a church that you can participate in, and that will challenge you spiritually to be more than you currently are. If that means non-Christian church, ok.
I can tell you that the church that I attend meets those two criteria. As a devoted Christ follower, I am constantly being challenged to grow spiritually. And that frequently means changing my incorrect beliefs. I believe that God is bigger than my ability to fully understand him. So I will always have incorrect beliefs about him. And I've found a church that can challenge my spirituality in a loving and non-condemning way. I think we all need this. I think human beings need to be accepted *AND* challenged. And I think you should find a church that can do both.
Bottom line: I think you should consider finding a church that you can attend because church is about more than just beliefs. It's about more than just you. And I that's a lesson I want my children to learn. I suspect you want that, too.
Hope this is helpful. Ignore it if it's not.
I really like your philosophy - it's very much what I read about Einstein's thoughts when I read his writings at work some years ago.
Not everyone needs to believe in something. And if Ellie wants to explore something, she'll do it when and if it feels right to her whether or not it's been introduced. So to me, what matters is that you love eachother and share (which you're already doing).
It's interesting that so many people comment on other people's parenting practices. What ever happened to live & let live? I'd never think of making a comment on someone's choice of lunch, let alone something as important and intimate as child-rearing.
I can imagine that you handled it gracefully. That you are looking for answers and input rather than being defensive really does point to the scientist in you. I don't know that my irritation wouldn't have creeped into my voice when responding!
Wow..The comment was not made in any way as a criticism and certainly not in favor of one religion over another. It surprises me that you thought I would be upset if you decided to go for Jewish. I myself, do not have an opinion about one religion being 'better' than another and we have had conversations about that. My comment was not made pro 'christian' or pro anything else. It was not made with any thought to eternal life or hell and damnation or anything like that. The comment was made as a way to teach Ellie and Addie 'that there is something WAY bigger than themselves, bigger than mommy and daddy, bigger than grandparents, bigger that anything we can logically explain to them. Something one can reach out to for support during hard times, times when mom and dad are not close by, or even when mom and dad are no longer around. I especially like the comment made about a community to be a part of.... to give support when others need it (I used Kiwanis for a lot of this) and to receive support when one feels lost and alone. Something we can cling to when everything seems to go wrong and there doesn't seem to be a way out. Something we can lien on. Something that helps us believe that someone or something is watching over us and we will survive.
When a child is small it can also help them define right from wrong, something that grounds them and makes it easier to say no to the 'then' popular culture when necessary. It has been proven that everyone wants to belong to something. I just think a child should be introduced to the 'good' things and not left so open to the negative groups. ie black magic, gothic, gangs, etc. etc. coming from their peers.
Any one who has ever had a teenager knows the parents are the last person who knows what they are talking about when giving guidance or advice.. :)
Life can be hard and there are times one needs to be able to lien on like minded people on the spur of the moment and not look around and feel as though there is no one there.
Again, the comment was not made as a 'right' religion, but exposure to an environment where little ones can find friends, socialize, give back to the world from within a group where you as the parent can know they are safe.
Thanks everyone for your comments! That's exactly why I wrote in the first place. Just fyi, when the original comment was made, I did not necessarily take it as criticism, but it did give me something to think about (hence the post asking for opinions).
I had forgotten about the whole "sense of community" side of going to church and definitely need to give that more thought. I definitely like the idea of giving my children a community they can fall back on in hard times.
Thanks again guys!
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