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Saturday, July 12, 2008

First public criticism

This last weekend I got my first public parenting criticism. Are you proud? Let me tell you about it...

I was having ice cream with two of the greatest women I know. Well, three women I guess if you count Ellie. Ellie was doing pretty well at keeping herself entertained while Mommy caught up with her friends. She was arranging some empty water bottles and going over to a couch to pound on it or looking out the window - things like that. Even though she wasn't right next to me, I was keeping my eye on her and honestly I was relieved that she wasn't needing me right by her side (she's been particularly Mommy-needy lately for some unknown reason).

Most of the time we were the only people at the ice cream place, but then a couple of ladies came in and sat between us and the couches. When Ellie went over to the couches again, one of the women made a snide comment. You know how it is when someone is rude, they say something just loud enough that you hear, but quiet enough to claim they were talking to themselves. That was this lady.

I spoke up and said "Excuse me, what was the question?" and she faked a look of surprise and said "Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted your child over there and if you were even paying attention."

Umm hello? Seriously? I'm a mother. Of course I'm paying attention. It's not in our blood to ignore our children. Besides, is she doing anything that is bothering you? She's behaving herself. She's not screaming. She's not crying. She's not being loud. She's not being obnoxious. She's not touching you. She's minding her own business and doing things that only toddlers can understand why they're entertaining.

But since I was a little surprised by her comment I just went over to Ellie and walked her back to the table and tried to entice her with more ice cream. For whatever reason, though, she wasn't impressed with Mommy's choice of flavors this time so, though keeping her happy near me was short-lived, we had also reached the end of our stay so we left.

I'd like to think that I'm a good mother and that Ellie is well behaved in public, and I know I would be naive if I assumed I would never be criticized. But I'll be honest, I expected the criticism to happen when Ellie was having a fit or something. You know, the kind of behavior that gives any innocent bystander a headache.

And I was surprised that I didn't know what to say to this lady. Her simple comment made me question myself and it made me feel young and little next to her older, wiser presence. And that bothered me because it was stupid. It was all stupid. And I knew that.

I wonder what the best way to handle such a situation would be.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Having been there, I can tell you that you handled it well. I don't know what the best way to respond would be. Personally, I wanted to give her a snide little dig right back, but that's really not the mature way to go. I think you handled it with grace, which was much more maturity than she showed.

As for what she said, it was totally baseless. She was either afraid that Ellie would start to annoy her or was just being condescending without realizing she didn't have a reason to be. You knew where Ellie was and what she was doing the whole time we were there. The one time you let more than 15 seconds slip by in between checking in on her, Miss and I knew what she was doing. Ellie was not in danger or bothering anyone. That woman didn't stop to notice any of that. Ellie walked past her and she immediately assumed you weren't watching.

She must just be one of those people who makes a habit of judging without evaluating whether her assumptions are even partly right.

I know you already know all of this, but it made me mad, too. And I wanted to let you know that from an observer's point of view, you handled it better than you feel like you did.

It was great to see you, by the way. =)

Hugs,
Jen

Niffer said...

You're right. I knew everything you said, but it's always nice to be reminded. The whole thing just took me by surprise, that's all. I never expected such a comment if Ellie was well behaved.

It was great to see you guys again too! I love being able to see you more often, even if it's still not often enough.

Anonymous said...

I've been surprised at people's rudeness before too, I think it's because we ourselves wouldn't act that way and thus are taken aback when encountering it.

I think you handled the situation as gracefully as possible. Maybe next time you can choose to ignore the comments -- if someone is THAT bothered, they can say something directly to you. I dunno, it would be hard for me to do that too. Especially because Ellie was not misbehaving or causing any trouble. Maybe she is a childless witch who is jealous of small cherubs wandering happily (lol).

I am imagining a conversation like you: excuse me?
her: are you watching your child?
you: A. Yes! Isn't she adorable? (gales of infectious laughter completely ignoring her rudeness)
B. Oh thank you for asking. She's fine, thanks.
C. (snapping back) yes, I'm watching her, mind your own business. She's not causing any trouble.

Maybe it can be cathartic to carry on the fantasy confersation... :)

Niffer said...

My problem is that I usually come up with the great response 20 minutes after I needed it. I like option A, though! I'll have to remmeber that one. "Why yes, isn't she adorable!?" LOL.

mjh said...

This won't be the first public criticism that you'll receive. I have 4 kids. My wife & I have heard this kind of thing before, and I'm sure we'll hear it again.

One time we were standing in line at a soup & salad buffet, when the woman behind us suddenly screeched at the top of her lungs, "Get him away!" when our (then) 2 year old bumped into her. We, of course, apologized and pulled our son so that he closed the 1-inch gap that had previously been between us.

My oldest, who was 8 at the time, commented aloud, "That woman isn't very nice." Neither I nor my wife corrected him.

I have tons more stories like this. You just get used to it. Having experimented with almost all the possible reactions we could have, we've found that the one that conserves the most amount of our energy is to simply apologize and end the encounter as quickly as possible. Snide comebacks feel good for about half a second. Right up until the point that the other person starts publicly and loudly arguing with you about how abusive you are as parents.

Niffer said...

That's great - not correcting your older son for saying the lady wasn't very nice! But I can totally see where you're coming from when you say that coming up with a snide remark only feels good until they start accusing you of being abusive parents.