Because I said so

MJH wrote an interesting post defending parents using the term "Because I said so" to their children. I love it when MJH writes his thoughts on parenting. I find that I often gain a new perspective and often get new ideas on how to approach my own children. In all honesty, after reading the post I initially thought things like, "well that makes sense" or "I never thought of it like that before, but sure." However, as I thought about it more and more, I disagree with him more and more. Sorry, MJH. =)

Let me start off with saying that neither my husband nor I remember our parents using the term "Because I said so." I asked my sister, though, and she does. She said that our mom used to say that a lot, followed by "if I'm wrong I'll pay for counseling" when she was a teenager. My sister was more... let's say "rebellious" than I was. I only point that out because I feel like this is not a "I'm not going to be like my parents" reaction on my part.

I'm not going to approach the God-side of MJH's post. I don't want to open that can of worms (smile), but I did want to comment on my thoughts on the topic in general, because I do think it's an interesting one to discuss.

MJH essentially says that he uses "Because I said so" in situations where he feels like his children can not possibly understand the reasons or consequences for something. I agree with him that a young child (I'll obviously use my almost three year old daughter as my reference point) can not understand *ALL* the consequences of something like making Mommy or Daddy late for work. However, that does not mean they're incapable of understanding that their is a consequence for them not getting ready quickly.

If we were to bluntly end any discussion with Ellie with "Get your shoes on right now because I said so" then I'm sure we'd have a much more frustrated Ellie. Instead, we try to explain the consequences in a way that is relevant to her. "If you don't put your shoes on quickly then Mommy's not going to have time to read you books" or even "You're taking too long to get ready. It's taking away Mommy's energy, which means she won't be able to play blocks with you later." Those are consequences that she understands. Granted this requires a little more planning on our part. We have to get ready in time to allow us to read her one book at school before leaving. I think that's fair. She does something nice for us (which results in our lives being more enjoyable) which makes us want to do something nice for her (which results in her life being more enjoyable).

She may not understand all the consequences of making us late for work. She may not understand the effect that has on family vacations or the amount of time that Mommy has to stay at work. But she does understand that if she takes a long time getting ready then Mommy does not have the time or the energy to read her a book, or play games when she gets home.

There is definitely something to the stalling thing that MJH mentioned. Ellie constantly comes up with ways to stall, but we just try to come up with consistent consequences for that. Fewer books or no books. No energy to play Ellie's favorite game. Mommy doesn't have the energy to do bedtime so Daddy needs to instead. Things of that nature, but they're all consequences that Ellie understands because it effects those things she holds most dear. We know this works because there are days when Ellie wakes up and exclaims, "Hurry! Hurry! We want to read books, right Mommy?" Right.

MJH said that him not explaining himself to his children is similar to other relationships. One being his relationship with God (I've already said I'm not going to touch that one right now), but the other example he gave was with his boss at work. I disagree with his simplification of his relationships. His boss most likely never tells him "Do this because I said so," even if he may not understand all the reasons or consequences that his boss is aware of. Instead, his boss most likely simplifies the situation in terms that MJH can understand. Something more like "You need to do this in order for us to meet our goal. If you fail then the project will run out of money or time." Similarly, even though MJH does not bombard his boss with all the details of something that he understands better, it's doubtful he'd ever say "Sir, I'm doing it this way because I said so." Instead, he'll say something like "I need to take the time write the program like this because will be more user-friendly." That's something his boss would understand even if he does not know the details of the software MJH is responsible for.

Our relationships with our children are similar. I agree that they can not understand the big picture. They shouldn't have to. They're too busy being the little kids that they are. However, I feel like closing the topic with a "because I said so" sells the children short on what they *CAN* understand. I think that the assumption that a parent is all-knowing relative to the children is a faulty assumption. It never fails to amaze me how much Ellie really does understand. If I based all my conversations with her on what I assume a three year old understands, I would never be amazed. Not to mention, Ellie would probably be less enlightened and more annoyed.

I think the challenge as a parent, is not to simply not explain things but to put them in a context such that they can be understood. It's simply just too easy to sell your kids short on how much they're capable of understanding. It is our job as parents to put in every effort to explain things to our kids so that they can better understand, and thus interact with, the world around them.

As for the God side of the argument, I feel like comparing the relationship that God has with his people to the relationship between parents and children is unfair. God may very well know with absolute certainty what any individual can and can't understand, but we do not know anything with absolute certainty about what our kids can or cannot understand. Sorry. I tried to stay away from that, but I couldn't help it.