Lives Lost

A good friend of mine posted this the other day. It really touched me. I considered writing about it myself but I ended up just sending emails to some of my closest friends instead. I then went on with my Friday, in a bit of a funk but tried to shake it off by spending more attention to my Baby Addie than any other normal day. That night I discovered that the same post put my husband into a funk. And by sharing it with my sister, I managed to put her into a funk too.

After seeing the effect it had on us, I realized that I still needed to write SOMETHING about it.

What is it about a news story that just remains in the news until you discover some link between you and the victim? I didn't know the mother but I had heard the stories. I thought it was horrible but I shoved it out of my mind. I'm definitely someone who needs to think about the good in the world and when something horrible happens, I try to ignore it. If I focus on the beauty then that's all that exists, right?

Anyway, enough analyzing me. That's not what this is about.

I'll never claim to understand mental illnesses. In all honesty they scare me, but nothing scares me more than PPD or PPP. I think the thing that scares me most about it comes from knowing how strongly I love my children. For an illness (be it chemicals or whatever - again, I don't understand) to have such a strong effect on a mother to wipe away that bond... well that's powerful. And not in the good way.

It took me a while to get attached to my own children. It's hard to unconditionally love someone who is as needy as a newborn can be. Sleep deprivation is what got to me. And knowing how much a simple lack of sleep affected me, I can only imagine what it would feel like to actually be diagnosed with PPD.

And then to go one step further and find yourself the victim of PPP... that's scary stuff. That's like black magic. When there is a force strong enough to make a mother, who loves her son dearly, go to such an extreme - well that's not something you want to mess with. That's not something anyone can understand, even if you've found yourself unfortunate enough to say "you've been there." I don't think anyone is capable of understanding, which goes to show how strong the black magic really is.

I guess I'm not sure what to say about it. I did not know this mother even though she lives 20 minutes from me. I am, however, good friends with someone who thinks (and still does) the world of her and that says a lot to me. That speaks volumes. As much as it sends chills through my bones, I have to admit that... well it could have been anyone. It could have been my friend. It could have been me.

To have such a loving person become someone that most people would so easily label a "Monster"... for a mother to have to go through depression alone, even after reaching out for help from her friends, family and doctors... for a mother to do that to her own child... there are simply no words to describe how painfully sad the story is.

I'm not sure what else to say, but I believe I'm needing a hug from my girls.

R.I.P. sweet baby boy. My heart goes out to your family right now.